This is something i wrote years back when an important episode in my life suddenly went blank I came upon it accidentally yesterday.

How would you feel if you read an exciting thousand page novel only to find that some freak had torn of the last chapter? Angry? Frustrated? Flipped out? How about loving someone for years and then be told, 'go to hell'? The life I led till now has suddenly become a pointless struggle. Dreams I caressed to sleep every night will return to haunt me again and again. The photos I collected and the little sovereigns of love that i had put safely in my drawer stares back at me with a pitiful smile. They seem to be waiting happily to be burned. The logic behind all my choices in life has vanished. Everything I believed to be right has summed up to a big zero of pain.
It was not because I didn't have backbone that the gifts I sent her were anonymous. I thought I could keep postponing the doomsday for ever. But fate cannot be stopped no matter how much you plead with it. Now I know why men drink. It gives them the courage to cry, at least an excuse to cry. But the hot whiskey wakes up all those question you had put to sleep. You find yourself face on with the realities you have run away from always. The doubts, the questions, their answers everything mingles up forming a maze that reaches back at the starting point which ever way your thoughts travel. Someone please tell me how to end this havoc in my brain. If I had an axe, I would have chopped my head into smithereens so that at least I can have a little clarity of thoughts by attacking only one fragment of question at a time. The biggest blow has been to my esteem and self-worth. I will never be confident again. I have no idea where I went wrong. I did my best and still, my failure was huge.
Of course I can move on. Once a friend of mine had said, "two boobs to hold and a hole to drill is all I need". But I had believed love is platonic, sacred. Might be he was right and I was wrong...