Last day in Electronics lab, our professor noticed me sitting comfortably in a chair 'supervising' my lab mates' progress in arranging one of those goddamn complex circuits. He came near me and said, "You are being a passenger, not the driver. You got to change your attitude. Don't wait for others to lead you... blah...blah...blah..." I had the counter reply ready for all his accusations, but thought it prudent to listen silently. I didn't want my grades to be an F written in blood red. But in the depth of my heart I knew whatever he said was someway true. My life has been like playing Counter strike in spectator mode.
It was easy for me to digest the concept of God looking at all our sins from a telescope high up in the sky. But when you start spending your life as an audience of others lives, it is not possible to avoid your stomach getting upset in the long run. In the beginning it was interesting to watch others, their behaviour, how they hog the limelight, their fumbles and further fumbles to cover the earlier ones... It gave a nice feeling to criticize them, and imagine how I would have copped better in the same situation.
But slowly everything gets boring like everything else. How many times would you like to watch being out run by some and the same people again and again? You find everything is happening around you, but never to you. Many top the exams but not you. You score goals and runs, but there is always somebody to outnotch you. You are never in the spotlight, rarely in the focus of a snap. Celebrity status keeps eluding you. Even gossips refuse to include you. And a lot of smooching and hugging is going on around you, but there is nobody but life for you to fuck with. You feel like you are not a part of the same (sane?) world.
This can happen and it did to me. The last time I was in the driver seat of my life was when I had, or rather thought I had a girlfriend. I witnessed her growing intelligent for she dumped me quiet soon. Might be she realized that I am in the process of converting her into another spectator like me. But that time was a nice one, one of the few happy notes in my otherwise monotonous life. One of those times which I wish to live again.
But is it that I have never really tried to be at the cynosure, or am I afraid to swap my place with the dude who was the center of all eyes. Being a jack of many trades and a master of none, I know this is the only way it can be. But is it fair to give nearly everything but nothing worth recognition to a person??? Might be I should do a little jig in between the data structure class or kick the institute directors ass during one of his long speeches or might be I will accuse Mr. Kalam of sexually abusing me!!! :/ I don’t care. I just wanna be, atleast for a day, the center of attraction for some bloody reason!!!
